What Hurts The Most

[MAXINE MCMANUS]

Maxi was going to be sick. She was sure of it. At some point today, she was going to throw up. She couldn’t even choke down more than a glass of orange juice and a piece of toast for breakfast. It was Saturday midmorning when she arrived at Charlie’s apartment in Portland. For about twenty minutes she simply sat in her car rehearsing what she was going to say. Until she realized she couldn’t rehearse this—she just had to do it. It was like ripping off a Band-Aid, right? No…no it was more like ripping out a part of your heart and setting it on fire. Charlie was her lifelong friend. He had been there through every major event of her life, whether in person or in correspondence. Imagining a life without him in it…made her feel cold.

But she had to. She didn’t have a choice anymore. August had stolen her heart back from Charlie. They couldn’t both have it at once, as much as she wished they could. She’d even had a dream two nights ago after August left that they were literally playing tug of war with her arms until she cried. It had been a long time since she’d woken up with tears on her cheeks. Even longer since she’d continued to cry after waking. In the end, she knew it would be worth it. She would be with August and headed down the road with him that she had dreamed of for years. As much as she loved Charlie, it wasn’t the love she had for August. If Charlie had told her his feelings years ago, before she ever met August, her life would have turned out very differently and she knew that. She had dreamt of that life once. But in this life, August was her true love. And she needed to follow her heart.

That heart was hammering in her chest as she rode the elevator to his floor. It jumped into her throat and strangled her as she walked to his door. Her hand trembled as it reached up and rapped gently on the heavy wood of his door. All she had told him was that they would need to talk about something when she visited. She didn’t say if it was good or bad. Was he already worried? She could already feel the tears behind her eyes, waiting for the right moment to well up in her eyes. This was going to be so hard.

[CHARLIE MILLER]

There was nothing simple about moving back overseas one you've established a life in another country.  It had taken Charlie quite some time to get his affairs in order, selling off his furniture and giving his landlord notice that he'd be vacating his flat within a couple months.  It was three months before the lease was up, but Charlie had a bit in savings and simply paid up in good faith.  He took the necessities with him and had the rest shipped.  Unpacking and restocking his home with furniture proved to be a tedious task that he didn't care for, but Jamie came back over with him and Mary came down for the weekends Maxi wasn't there, and soon enough it resembled a home.  Yes, most of his furniture had been purchased from craigslist or Ikea and was put together after several bottles of wine or a case of beers, but most of it turned out alright.  Except the bleeding computer desk.  He was sure that would collapse at some point, but for now it was holding up, if not a little lopsidedly.  

He'd begun his new job and all seemed to be falling into place.  It was nice being so close to his roots.  His parents were excited as were those siblings who were around.  At least most wouldn't need a passport to see him in person anymore, which was a bonus for sure.  The best part of all was Maxi.  It still felt strange that they were together, yet strangely natural.  There was no getting to know you process, no honeymoon or hiding your worst flaws.  They were childhood friends, she knew as much about him as any of his siblings, which for some might prove to be an issue, but there was comfort in it for Charlie.  Less work, more stability.  His family was thrilled, having naturally always loved the McManus family.  A match made in heaven.

Maxi had mentioned needing to talk when she arrived, and with most women Charlie would have felt that strange twist of concern in his stomach, but he had no reason to feel that with her.  Things were, as far as he could tell, going well.  He didn't know what she needed to discuss, but he knew whatever it was wouldn't be an issue.  When he heard the knock he hustled to the door, pulling it open and beaming at her.  He beamed at her, and leaned in to kiss her in way of greeting.  "Come on in, I'm just finishing up an email." He sat back at the desk and started typing again.  "Do you have a food preference? Delmonte's is having a tasting tonight.  I thought we could go." He called out, his fingers flying across the laptops keyboard as he hurried to finish up his work so they could get started on their weekend together.

[MAXINE MCMANUS]

With a breeze the door opened, revealing Charlie’s beaming, handsome face. How could Maxi break his heart? She loved that face. She loved Charlie. And when he kissed her, she felt her heart drop into her stomach. Her lips had touched another man’s. She felt like just kissing August was such an offense to Charlie that it was unforgiveable. As much as she hated to do this, she had to. She loved August and it wasn’t fair to love two men at the same time. When Charlie’s mouth pulled away from hers she managed a weak smile and tried to hold her tears in. “Come on in, I’m just finishing up an email.” He went back to his desk and she closed the door behind her softly, biting her lip as she looked around the apartment. All of this was to be closer to her. She was lower than scum. “Do you have a food preference? Delmonte’s is having a tasting tonight. I thought we could go.” A pang shot through her chest. “Um…let’s talk about it later. I really need to talk to you about something first. But finish your email!” The last thing he was going to want to do in a few minutes would be to answer work emails.

Her stomach felt like lead as she sat on the couch and waited for him to finish his email. She set her purse on the floor next to her, feeling like she was in a haze. Already she was losing the words she’d thought of on the ride over. There was nothing she could say that would make this any easier. As he came over to the couch and their eyes met, she knew he could see the seriousness of the matter on her face. And now he was as worried as he should be. She took a deep breath and tried her best not to sob as she did so. He sat down and she chewed her bottom lip, looking from him to her hands in her lap. They were shaking like leaves. The rest of her would follow shortly if she didn’t start talking.

“Charlie…” Suffocating. The words were literally suffocating her as they stuck in her throat. Even though her heart was hammering, her lungs couldn’t suck in air. Finally she brought her eyes to his, big and sad and already glistening with tears. “August came to see me the other night. We just talked. But…I realized…I still love him.” Tears spilled down her cheeks, the last of her words barely above a whisper, fearing to say them out loud because she knew the impact they would have. And that impact was written all over Charlie’s face, breaking down any restraint she had on her tears. “I’m so sorry, Charlie. I’m so, so sorry. I do love you from the bottom of my heart. But it isn’t fair to you that I still love him as much as I do. I shouldn’t have done this to you, Charlie. I shouldn’t have made you rush into all of this just so I could selfishly run away from my pain. But I promise I never, ever meant to hurt you. I never thought this would happen.” She sobbed, dropping her head to look through blurry vision at her hands. “I just…I can’t stop loving him. I won’t blame you if you hate me forever. Just know I can never say how sorry I am for doing this.” And she knew then what it felt like to kill a lifelong friendship. The only thing more painful was becoming an orphan.

[CHARLIE MILLER]

“Um…let’s talk about it later. I really need to talk to you about something first. But finish your email!” Charlie gave her a funny look, not sure what was up with her, but decided it would be best to just bang out the email and then see what was up.  Knowing Maxi it wasn't as bad as she thought.  She was a sweet girl and cared about others feelings.  She'd probably worked whatever it was up in her mind and was dooming herself, when really it was absolutely nothing.  He finished his email and sent it off, closing his laptop and coming over to the couch, trying to offer his most reassuring smile.  Whatever it was, he wanted her to know it would be alright.  Never in his wildest dreams did he expect what was to actually come of the conversation.

Her hands were shaking, he could see from his spot on the couch and his brows furrowed as he looked up into her youthful face.  He was starting to second guess the severity of the topic; what could possibly be this bad that she was shaking? He was about to ask when she began, pausing him.  “Charlie…” He watched her, eyes on hers as they came up to meet his.  He frowned at the tears glistening, already feeling his guard going up.  “August came to see me the other night. We just talked. But…I realized…I still love him.” Charlie tensed.  He wasn't upset, but maybe disappointed.  Of course she loved him, though.  They'd been together a long time and the breakup wasn't that long ago.  He knew he'd distracted her from August, but he also knew how well they clicked.  He wouldn't blame her for still being in love with her ex.  How could he? Of course he didn't want to know about it, but so far he simply appreciated her honesty.

“I’m so sorry, Charlie. I’m so, so sorry. I do love you from the bottom of my heart. But it isn’t fair to you that I still love him as much as I do. I shouldn’t have done this to you, Charlie. I shouldn’t have made you rush into all of this just so I could selfishly run away from my pain. But I promise I never, ever meant to hurt you. I never thought this would happen.” He gave pause.  Was she breaking up with him? Because she still had feelings for her ex? Surely she would know he didn't care about that.  He was here for her, he would help her get through this! Why was she so afraid? Unless.. no, she wouldn't consider going back with him, not with the stories he'd heard! Maxi hadn't been forthcoming, but Jamie sure had.  August didn't treat her the way she deserved to be treated.  He was moody and bought her love.  Jamie had told him all about how the man had brought her a brand new car, which was kind, but didn't ask her permission first or even give her a choice in the vehicle.  He simply did it.  Who does that?! Hell, he wouldn't say he loved her for over a year, and wouldn't even consider her his girlfriend for just as long if not longer! She wouldn't dare leave Charlie to go back to August! 

“I just…I can’t stop loving him. I won’t blame you if you hate me forever. Just know I can never say how sorry I am for doing this.” Charlie sighed, reaching for her hands.  "Listen to me." He said softly, trying to catch her gaze.  "I don't hate you, and I can't blame you for still being in love with him.  You have a history together, it's understandable.  I know he had a strong hold on you, and I know how much you mourned his loss." They'd talked a little about it, but he'd heard enough between Jamie, Drew and Maureen to know the relationship was serious, if not somewhat toxic.  "But time dulls the pain, and we'll work through it together. I don't have to like it, but c'mon, Max.. give me credit, I don't want to end things because you still have feelings for your ex."  He tried to offer a reassuring smile though his heart ached.  No one liked hearing their girlfriend loved someone else, but she was his.  August had his chance, and he wasn't going to let her hurt anymore.  He wouldn't leave her vulnerable to let him sweep her up again. What kind of monster did she think he was?